Its been a LONG time

So it has been a while since I have blogged - I could say I have not had time but honestly ymineou make time for what you want to do - I have been failing at dieting - I seriously love food and not just food but bad food - I think about it all the time - I can't blame it on the holidays because I am finding ways to find bad food - BUT - I am making some big decisions and changes in my life right now - I have decided to quit my job and move to florida - so many reasons why but basically I have wanted to move there forever or at least since my dad moved there - I miss him and my sister terribly - its easy to tell people who will support me but people who will be angry with my decision or it will hurt is gonna be really hard - but I have to go through with it because it is for me and I can't continue to live for everyone else. Its scary but it is a good thing and I am determined to go and start a new life - yes a new me - so losing weight before I move is something I really really want to do - I am downsizing everything in my life and that will include my weight - I am back on my game and will continue to post and keep you up to date - love you all!!

LONG TIME NO POST

Ok sorry again for the delay in posting - I have been in alot of pain lately and have not been following my ww diet - however, I went to my meeting tuesday night and had lost 4.6 lbs last week - YEAH for me :) :) - almost have made a full 10 lbs only .4lbs away - keeping my fingers crossed that I make it this week - this week has been a challenge because I had some stress with some health problems that honestly I was very concerned about being in pain and having your doctor tell you that you are a medical mystery was about more than I could take - but I have not binged I have not been snacking so I still think I am having a good week considering - I got my call today that what I have is treatable and all will be good in a few weeks - yeah!! so back to the diet I will start - good news fruit is now a zero point food - apples, bananas, watermelon, grapes - etc.... so that is awesome for me - the new plan is a bit confusing but I will figure it all out - no problem!!

Thanks for your support as always!!

Lifeu

So today has been an exhausting emotional day - first of all I have a horrible headache that won't seem to go away and that is never fun - 2nd I had a Pepsi - I could not say no - scared me that the drive was so strong to get it and I didn't say no - I feel like a failure but in ww they say you will fall but get up and brush yourself off and start again so I am trying to do that - second of all I attended my first overeaters anonomyous meeting - and yes I knew someone there - I almost fell out of my chair but I stayed and talked - yes I did - you are supposed to say your name and that you are food addict - well instead I said my name is Josie and I am really nervous - ok well I continued with struggling with dieting for a long time - how horrible I feel and how bad I feel like a failure and yes I started to cry just felt like I needed to purge these feelings - I talked about being an emotional eater and understanding logically ww and their program but emotional something is missing - 5 of the people in the group were shaking their heads like they got it - made me feel alot better - so they have another meeting on thursdays that starts at 5:30 - in January they are going to be studying the 12 steps of recovery in that group so I think I might start that in January - overall I am really really glad I went - it felt like a big weight was taken off of my shoulders - I am not alone!!! and that is great news!! Did well with eating on points and another weigh in day tomorrow night - we will see how it goes - I owe my daughter $20 for my weightloss to catch up my shopping trip celebration :) :)

an ah ha moment as they say

So I have been reading this book called Locked Up for Eating Too Much!! Its a book about a girl who is an overeater aka food addict and her journey through a treatment facility. For ever I have said I am not a sweet eater I am a salt and crunch eater - however, by reading this book I have had an ah ha moment - although I am not a chololate lover I do love sugar - almost everything I eat has sugar in it - especially what I crave to drink - pepsi, lemonade, anything that has sugar - this is why I don't like diet - so what does this all mean - well from what I have read until I break my sugar addiction I will continue to crave it - ugh - so where to start - by giving up pepsi - I vow to go 21 days with no pepsi - that will be huge for me - I LOVE MY PEPSI!!!! Ihave cut down a ton by only drinking one maybe 2 per day but that craving is so strong - so tomorrow is day with no pepsi - it also will help with my points - each pepsi is 3 points and I only get 25 points a day - this is gonna be hard to say the least but hopefully it will help me with my weight goal - so tomorrow I am attending overeaters anonomyous for the first time - I am no longer nervous - no one will be looking at me saying wow she is a big girl - they will hopefully become the support system I am looking for and need through this thing we call life - I love you my supporters - thanks for listening!!!
wish me luck on the pepsi - this is gonna be tough!!!

A new day

So I haven't been doing the greatest on this healthy change of lifestyle - I have asked the question - if you are an emotional eater what then do you do with the emotions you are trying to stuff down? No one has been able to answer this question so I think it is something I need to find on my own - kickboxing has helped but sometimes the times for that class are hard to get to - but I am going tomorrow :) :) :)
it does help me destress - but the question is what am I stressed about - I have a great life - honestly the best life - I think the answer is fear - fear of the unknown - I hate not knowing what the future holds in so many area of my life
So what are my fears - well where shall I start
biggest fear - is letting people down - my kids, family, co-workers really anyone - and even myself - which is a new thing for me -
anyway I need to stop being afraid and need to say that no matter what the future may hold I will still have those things that I cherish most - my kids - and my family - well most of my family that is :) - I do miss my brother but I don't know what to do to change it so I am just trying to accept that and move on
so what good is going on - well so many things - first of all I went back to ww and weighed in - I did not look at my weight because I knew I had gained and I didn't want to face it - but no one was in the lobby so I talked to Annie - the ww leader that I love - and told her of my stresses of not knowing what to do with the stress that I have been eating for so many years - of course I got teary eyed and she told me I was not alone that most of the people who are overweight are stress eaters - she asked if I would bring the topic up and I said no I didn't have the strength or confidence to do so - she said she would - I felt better after I talked to her but there is still this thing that I am missing - well I walked in the meeting room and saw a woman who was like I know you - initially I was like SHIT I have been found out - well it turned out that the woman is my new son-in-law's aunt that my daughter just loves - she and I exchanged phone numbers and emails and are now going to be each other's support system - she found me on facebook so I sent her a message today just wishing her a good day

The other good things was the subject of the meeting last night - Annie says if you eat an entire chocolate cake - don't give up get up and brush your self off and move on - don't punish yourself for it - so I am TRYING to do that - today was not a good food day - stacia my baby and I went to ISU - she is leaving for college in August and wow I am scared - where does that leave me??? I have been a mom since I was 17 and I feel like yes I will always be a mom but here comes that change that I struggle with so much - so I have decided that I am going to NOT stay home all weekend and just clean or putz around every weekend I will do something with Mike or my friends - I feel better and it always helps my depression that yes I also struggle with - ok long post just alot to get out
btw I went to go to overeaters anonomyous and haha I went to the wrong location so next monday I now have the correct location and I am no longer scared I am excited I think it will help and with my new support system I am gonna do this!!!!

OE

OE = Overeaters Anonomyous - they have a group here in springfield that meets monday nights at 5:15 - I am going to go this monday and check it out - what I am missing in this journey is help with the psychological aspect of weight loss - sometimes I think I have failed because on some level its safe to be overweight - yes I know I need help :) what does that mean - it means I have been hurt before and if I am overweight I won't have people that want to get close to me so I won't get hurt - silly I know - Many people love me just the way I am - so obviously its not working - problem - I don't love myself - but I have researched OE and think this might help - I am willing to try - they had like 20 questions and I had yes for more than half - and they said if you said yes to 3 then maybe OE was for you - had a pretty good day - went to chuck e cheese had a salad and only 2 pieces of pizza and I was satisfied :) :) plus for lunch instead of stopping on my way home from work I came home and ate a smart ones meal - :) :) very good for me - can you tell this journey is difficult - seriously I think about food all the time but hopefully I am going to find the tools necessary to make a true change with my health and keep it that way - thank you for your support - I just realized that one of my fans is sending me messages - so excited to read those - THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONSISTENT SUPPORT!!!!! LOVE YOU!!!

long time no post

First I must apologize for not posting for so long - I didn't realize it had been over two weeks - I have been having good and bad days - today I finally stepped on the scale in fear but was happy to see I had not gained any weight back - so I was already to get refocused and then the day started - I was good until about lunch where I was late to rotary and everyone was waiting for me to start the meeting - stress is never good for me when I am trying to be healthy so I ordered walleye before even taking time to think and it was not a good choice - I am a stress eater - the food kept coming all day - nothing big but just snacking which I know is bad - dinner was subway and I had sweet onion chicken terrikiy or how ever you spell it - very good but now my stomach hurts from eating all day - its amazing how bad I feel when I don't eat healthy all day - so I read a post on fb today about a girl who gets up at 5 am everyday to work out for an hour and how much she dreads it but how good she feels when she is done - what an inspiration she is to me - so tomorrow is a new day and I am going to get back on track and get this weight off - I am so tired of being fat and embarassed to take my coat off because I think everyone is whispering about my size - sometimes I was to just give up but I can't - I want to change my life to a healthy life style I want to live a long time so I can bug my children all the time with my opinion - I am calling my dr again tomorrow to request another beginning steps for chantix I quit smoking before and I need to again - I want to be healthy and to stop hiding from the world - hiding is easier so that is why I am struggling with the other - but I am searching for the strength to get back up brush myself off and say today is a new day - thanks for listening I bet it doesn't make much sense but my relationship with food is such a love hate relationship - love food but hate that I am so fat - hate that I turn to it in times of stress - hate that I am embarassed about the person I am today - I am off work tomorrow and am going to start the day with a 30 minute walk - no reason not to I am off work - every new habit must begin with that first step - so tomorrow the steps are starting - which me good luck and keep that motivation and support coming - love you all!!!! (both) :) thank you for your positive reinforcements and believing in me so much more than I ever believe in myself!

why

So why do I want to cry - because I think that no matter what I weigh I will still be the fat girl and that is so sad - I am not giving up believe me but I seriously want to cry - 2.2 lb loss this week for a total of 10.6 which means I have lost 5% of my weight - yeah - but really no clue what's wrong with me - maybe I just miss so much of the food that brought me comfort in the past - I think is what I am missing - comfort - I did go to kickboxing tonight and that made me feel GREAT!!!!! my body is so sore but I know its just part of my weight loss journey - I want to go 2 times a week at least - I went to talk to our leader at ww tonight but she needed to give people the overview of the program and I didn't want have them wait on me so I just left with tears in my eyes - my question is that is this supposed to be so draining and emotional??? I feel like the only one going through this - my bff who is on this journey with me says its so easy for her and its such a struggle for me - I just don't know

Heard about a new website that I am going to check out - hungry-girl.com - they have great recipies and it also shows the point value for ww - yeah I hope this makes me feel better -well I now owe steph $40 for my shopping spree :) :) :)

Life is good just going through some emotional stuff - love you my followers!!!!!

struggle

weightloss is a struggle - crazy but I think about food all the time - I am still on track but what I want and what I eat are two completely different things - anyway - I am walking a 5k tomorrow with my daughter and am really hoping that it helps me kick start a walking routine - I need to learn how to jog - yes its true I don't know how to jog - silly but stacia says she will teach me - we will see how that goes - I found an article in one of my weight watchers magazines that teaches you how to go from walking to jogging - I am gonna try it and see how it goes - otherwise its walking fast for me - :)
I am only going to record my ww weight cause the scale for biggest loser seems to be throwing me off - but did I mention I am in 6th place :) :) :)

Biggest Loser

Ok so today was the biggest loser weigh in - I am down to 195.2 - who would have ever thought that number would make me so happy - I owe my daughter another 20 dollars for my clothing fund - woohoo!!!!! Struggling with one main thing - I have to eat at times for work and have no control over what is being served - today perfect example - had a luncheon at the Inn at 835 - and of course all of their food is AWESOME - however, I have no idea how to count it - however, I took very small portions and didn't go back for 2nd's - which is again huge for me cause boy I really really really wanted to!!! Going to start making smoothies in the morning with frozen fruit and ww powder - hopefully this will help me stay full in the morning and not use alot of points!!
food its a necessary evil :) :) :) :)

back on track

Ok so this week has been HELL - and staying on track has been so hard - but I have done very well - offered to have brunch with 3 of my favorite people - I declined - I knew I would order VERY BAD - that is something I am going to have to work on how to socialize and eat out and stay healthy - there are healthy choices at most restaurants I am sure - but are they FUN - mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I think not - well this week I weigh in for the Biggest Loser contest again - i am going to walk 3 times this week for 30 minutes - mon/wed/fri - thats my goal and I am gonna do it :) :) :)


Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive of my loss - I am feeling better at the moment and know I will get through it and not by using food to stuff the feelings down!!

Now that is HUGE!!!!!

Life is always a struggle

WOW this week has been the biggest struggle of a week I have had in a long time - other than when my daughter got married - Wilma's passing has been one of the greatest losses I have ever experienced - I cried and cried last night just so sad - I am getting a new puppy tomorrow but she will never replace my Wilma - she was my chunker bunker and always will be - how has this effected my weight - well, I have stayed on track but the urge to stuff myself is so there I can taste it - but i have resisted and still have not eaten mc'd's so as much as I am sad I am proud of myself - food is a necesary evil for me - you must eat to survive but I have survived just to eat - no more and I have proven that over this week - thanks all for your encouragement - weigh in day is tomorrow at 9:00 am - wish me luck :) :) :)

SAD SAD SAD

So today my Wilma was hit by a car and passed away - she got out of the garage while it was shutting and was hit - I am so sad I can not even express my feelings - I want to just eat my feelings away, but I am so lucky my daughter sent me an encouraging text about eating healthy so I am resisting and trying to stay on track - we got monicals pizza for dinner and I ate 5 pieces not 15 - I don't know how to get through this without gourging myself and my feelings down - its how I survive its what is normal to me - I am ashamed that this is how I have always handled my stress - I dont want to go backwards but I don't know how to move forward either - I pray that God gives me strength to work through this with out leaning on food!!

Weight Watchers Weigh in!!!

So yesterday I didn't post becasue life had me super busy - I went to dinner at my friend Amy's house - she is so sweet - I told her that I would eat before becasue I was dieting and she said heck not - she made us all grilled chicken salad - I am so thankful for supportive families and friends who are making this jounrney so much easier!! The last two days have been so stressful and normally I turn to food to help with that - I have stayed within my points and am so happy to say I overcame some challenges - 1st challenge - I had cash yesterday and cash in my hand is always bad - got to spend it for some reason - so I took Chad, my ride to work partner, to work yesterday and was CRAVING my go to breakfast - pepsi and crackers - I had such an internal battle - eat it in the car with no one around and I can get away with it - CRAZY I know but this is how my mind works with food - but I didn't go to the gas station I went right to work and ate my ww breakfast meal I had and drank that lovely water - HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT!!!
It has been 7 days since I have had a meal at mcdonalds again HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT!!!
Every thursday is Rotary where lunch is served and you have 3 choices - made the healthy choice and didn't even eat it all because once I was satisfied I stopped and drank water - 3rd HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT!!! needless to say I am pretty proud of the last week - its hard but I have a goal in sight - I no longer want to hide in my house because I am overweight - I am trying to join the world again and feel better about myself!!
Had first weigh in at ww - lost 3.4 lbs - current weight 199.6 - out of the 200 range!!! YEAH!!!!!

I did it!!!

So today I was faced with a new challenge - up to this point I had controlled all of my eating by eating at home or bringing my lunch - well my job requires that I take potential clients to lunch or attend different lunch meetings - so today was my first day at making healthy choices at a restaurant - my first accomplishment was ordering a water with lemon - no pepsi and the restaurant was a pepsi establishment my very favorite drink in the world - so that was a huge thing for me - 2nd I ordered a steak sandwich - unfortunately due to the incredients on the sandwich that I have never heard of I didn't and/or couldn't count the points for it - HOWEVER, i only ate half of the sandwich - AND it came with these wonderful flavored waffle fries and I only allowed myself 3 and stuck to it - after half the sandwich was gone and the 3 fries were gone I covered my plate with my napkin and was done - yeah for me!!!!! This may seem so small to so many people out there but to me its HUGE!!! watching my co-worker drinking her pepsi and eating all of her food I was so jealous I wanted to just devour all of my food but I kept picturing my long term goal and that was a good inspiration to control my portion!! Hope everyone had a great day - I have my first follower - thanks so much for your kind words and inspiration!!

Biggest Loser

So today I weighed in for the Biggest Loser contast I have entered - my starting weight 200lbs - dear lord when did I let my self get this way or should I say weight???????? my headache is better and I did give in to the pepsi but only one - and I counted it so that is even better. Story to tell - when I went to weigh in there was an overweight girl there - no negativity about that statement - she was talking to the dr who is monitoring our weigh in's about joining BL - she said that she could not join because it was a drawing and she didn't win a spot to get in - i over heard the conversation and of course interupted by saying that no that was not accurate that anyone can join in as long as they pay their $25 and this week was the first weigh in - she then asked how it worked so I explained that it was based on the percentage of weight loss so it would be fair to everyone - she futher asked if they were also doing measurements - I said no that wasn't part of this biggest loser contest - she asked if I knew a contest that did have the measurements included and I told her no that I didn't and I was sorry - furthermore she said that the contest wasn't fair because you couldn't stop people from taking diet pills and starving themselves - I said well I would hope that people did this the healthy way and not do that but she was correct that people could do that - last thing she said was that again the contest wasn't fair because if someone my size lost 5 lbs vs someone her size losing 5 lbs that I would be the winner because of our size difference - I said yes she was correct but that is why it is based on percentage not weight loss - anyway - what did I walk away with you ask???? she doesn't want to join our contest and was making a million excuses as to why not - I have done this FOREVER - yes I said every sunday that tomorrow was the day - by 8:15am that was broken as I had my pepsi and my crackers in my hand and was shoving them in my mouth - It is so hard to not go back to that and yes I know its only been 5 days but this has been the longest I have gone without my "breakfast of champions" in at least 3 years!!!!! today is a new day!!!

So its day 5 of the diet and I have been doing great - staying within my points and trying to stay away from Pepsi - however, I have a horrible headache and medicine doeesn't seem to help :(
I think I am going to use 3 points today just to get a bit of caffeine in my body and hope to help my headache - I miss mcdonalds cheeseburgers and fries - I read a post on the ww website that said take a 1 point bun, boca burger, 2% cheese and it tastes like a real cheese burger - so I tried it and nnnnnooooooooooooooooooooppppppppppppppppppe it doesn't but I was full and it wasn't completely horrible - struggling with drinking so much water but doing ok with it - I am afraid to eat out because I am not sure I can make good choices so I am not eatling out yet but that will come - if my headache goes away I am going to kickboxing tonight and my ww partner and bff says I will earn 7 activity points - that is inspiration enough - thanks to Joy Michelle for answering all my questions and being my ww buddy - thanks to my sister for all of her support - love them both dearly!!!

a new day

So today I have again started my weight loss journey - today I weigh more than I have ever weighed before 203 lbs - I am truely an emotional eater - whether i am happy, sad, stressed, bored, whatever the emotion I am usually eating - my bff and I joined weight watchers together again last night and I LOVE our meeting leader - she is fun, full of energy and inspiration - I am going to do it this time. Some of my obstacles are of course I love food and Pepsi - I have had one pepsi today, compared to my usual 4 or 5 so that is a good thing for me AND I did not go to mcdonalds all day - to some this is a no brainer but to me this is a huge accomplishment - my sister is my biggest cheerleader - she knows my stress about food and weight and even though she is not on a weightloss journey she is willing to be nothing but a support system to me - love her for that - she is the bestest sister a girl could ask for :) :) Well I need to plan my dinner I have 11 points left to eat so I think a boca chicken sandwich has my name on it! Check in tomorrow I hope to still be on track!!